I believe this ranking has been done before. But it is time to do it again since two mascots have died, at least one has been re-born, a new one is on the horizon and Forge refuses to release new signings so I am bored. Enjoy!
Note: These are done in no particular order and are as convoluted as humanly possible. Now try to enjoy!
He just fits. Loyal. A best friend. Specifically, a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever. What more could you ask for? He inexplicably wears a cape and a mask and gloves, as dogs are wont to do. I’m assuming he is also a superhero. I mean, what chance did the others have? He finishes second because, as always, Halifax Wanderers are everyone’s second favourite. Except the Haligonians, of course. But until their trophy case is more than a kitchen drawer full of wooden spoons they can chill out and take silver on this.
Stewie the Starfish
Great colour. Goofy face. Seemingly made from a discarded 1970’s era McDonald’s Grimace costume, so points for recycling. If I recall, the most endearing Starfish tale is the story of the boy throwing starfish back into the ocean. When someone says he can’t make a difference with the thousands upon thousands washed up on the beach, he stirringly states, “Well, I made a difference for that one.” So hopefully some intrepid Islander builds on this parable, and tries to make a difference too, and hucks Stewie back into the sea.
4th Place, yeah, it gets worse.
So Sarge is, how to say this politely, stout for a horse. And as far as I can tell he is Lord Strathcona’s Horse. And of course Lord Strathcona’s Horse is an armoured regiment… so tanks. So I guess this portly equine fits perfectly. And hey, who doesn’t love yet another military reference in sport. After all, how fitting that the 2nd Horse of the Apocalypse was Red, and Cavs are never better than second. Cavalry put a lot of thought into this. Wait, is them winning it all the Apocalypse? Anyway, not bad Cavs. Not good either though.
3rd Place (so the pain of 2nd is relieved)
Vic the Lion
Vic is a Lion that represents Valour FC of Winnipeg. I mean the name Vic would have seemed better suited for PFC’s mascot. But then again they don’t actually play in Victoria. Vic comes from the Victoria Cross because, again, nothing says soccer like war. Because of the stretchers on the field…or the…the…I give up, this is soccer my friends. As far as animal mascots go Lions are pretty kick ass though. I mean if it comes down to a Battle Royal he has probably got the duck retriever, and the starfish dead to rights. The Horse of the Apocalypse representing War may not be a pushover though.
5th Place (because this just misses the playoffs)
S. 2 Ep. 05 – Canada Conquers Courageous Curaçao – FC13 Podcast
As far as I can tell Atletico Ottawa’s mascot is an inflatable dinosaur named Wally. It has been rumoured that Atletico’s Supporters have a long history of inflatables as companions, so this would seem to make sense. (I’ll go no further as this is a family article). Add something about being full of hot air and done. (There is a very good chance that something was lost in translation here as Atleti is the only Spanish club in the Canadian Premier League – and the only bilingual club to start with, which is now multi-lingual. So points for getting anything done).
The Beast of the East is not only a legendary dragon, but he wields a hammer. This automatically puts him top two in the Battle Royale of Mascots with only War’s Red Steed from Calgary with a chance against him. (I know Rover is a superhero, but please). Sparxy’s comic book origins should make him even cooler, but that is only if you haven’t seen his comic book.
*Full disclosure I host a Podcast called The Hammer Of Sparx Pod and I voted for him in first place as a way of circumventing trademark lawsuits.
1st Place and Mascot Champion
It’s complicated. He is from the future. He is an android. He died, and then was reborn through a tear in the fabric of time and returned as a Forge Fan, but in terrible shape as a result of the rigours of temporal instability. However, a doppelgänger also returned to do a behind the scenes reboot at York . It’s all a little much if you ask me. Stop trying so hard “Yorky”.
Last Place…or First Place in the darkest timeline.
? – Vancouver FC
As as far as I know it hasn’t been released as of press time, so I will have to vote for it just ahead of Yorky even though it doesn’t exist.
7th place (this may rise as all the “join the dark side” posts lead me to believe it will be a Sith Eagle named Johnson or John Thomas or Peter or Dick)
Honourable mention – Blue Bolt. We hardly knew ye. RIP
Well that’s it for my first and most likely last Rankings article (assuming I can even sneak this one past the editors). If I get another shot it will likely be to rank team’s unofficially affiliated pubs.
Subscribe to 13th Man Sports to get email notifications when we post!