Week 2 is in the books and we know nothing about football as always. Raiders? Yeah 0-2. Giants? 2-0 of course. Colts? Dead. Chiefs? Actually, they’re exactly where we expected them to be bad example. I’m bravely going where only a few hundred (thousand?) internet writers have gone before and attempting to navigate you through the power rankings of the NFL. I have to explain myself a bit here, I’m not just taking these two games as the end all be all. Teams with an established pedigree will still get a benefit of the doubt in some cases, and teams with wins will possibly still need to prove more. Or maybe not. I’m a fickle creature. On to the rankings.
TIER 1- TOP DAWGS
- Kansas City Chiefs 2-0
- Buffalo Bills 2-0
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-0
This is a special tier reserved for the best. Why is Buffalo second and not first after demolishing the defending champs (RIP Stafford) and the defending AFC number one seed Titans? (Have fun in Carolina Tannehill.) Because the Chiefs have also won two impressive games against decent teams and they have a pedigree that I think has earned their number one in these rankings. Also, Patrick Mahomes is a superhuman who is winning games with Juju Smith-Schuster and Mecole Hardman as WR 1 and 2. (Love you Kelce.) It is a mixture of sadness and small bits of glee as I watch Tua underthrow Tyreek yet again. When the Chiefs and Bills inevitably clash in the playoffs I will gladly mark the winner as the Super Bowl champions. Tampa Bay is the last team in here. An incredible defence is really carrying the offence here, and will probably have to continue to as Godwin and Julio stay injured and Mike “Onsight but only if the other guy’s back is turned” Evans serves his one-game suspension for defending an old man.
TIER 2- WE’RE BACK BABY + STRONG TEAM
- Green Bay Packers 1-1
- Los Angeles Chargers 1-1
- Los Angeles Rams 1-1
Green Bay had some of you fooled. Not me. So quick was the internet and the experts to write off Aaron Rodgers without a thought. The man is back-to-back MVP for god sake! Is he unlikeable? Potentially. Is he a top 3 QB in the league? Hell yes. The keys to the Packers’ success will definitely come down to Aaron Jones and AJ Dillon however, who ran all over Chicago on SNF. (What’s their tandem nickname?) The other two teams in this tier are the two L.A.-based teams. I’m sure all twelve fans are thrilled. Herbert looks every bit the part as he duelled Mahomes on Thursday night football and also avoided my ridicule by following up throwing away the ball on 3rd and 1 when he could have crawled to a first down by rifling it up the gut 25 yards and giving his team a chance. The Rams almost blew a 28-3 lead to the Falcons (there’s a joke here somewhere) but hung on to get a much-needed win. Stafford looked much better than he did in week 1. The rams have a real test against the Cardinals in week 3 which should be a real prove-it game for both teams.
TIER 3- GOOD TEAMS EH?
- New Orleans Saints- 1-1
- Baltimore Ravens 1-1
- Philadelphia Eagles 2-0
- New York Giants 2-0
Oh boy. I bet this will inspire some differing thoughts. Let’s get right into it. That’s just a Jameis game for the Saints. Every four or so games that will happen. Lattimore getting jumped by Evans after trying to beat up Gisele Bundchen’s boyfriend was also a huge turning point in this game. I’m okay leaving New Orleans here for now. I really wanted to believe in Baltimore this year. You can’t get ruined by Miami like that and expect to be any higher. Next. This brings us to the NFC BEAST teams. Philly was a bit of the NFC version of the Chargers this offseason, real media darling types. They are living up to it so far, however, I will need them to beat a better team than the Lions and Vikings to really hammer it home. (Don’t worry they have the, uh, Cardinals in week 5 and the, um, Steelers in week 8?) Finally, the Giants are probably the team most out of place here. I really don’t have rational reasoning other than I am an older of Danny Dimes stock and I believe in them this year.
TIER 4- WIN ONE MORE GAME AND MAKE TUA A RIGHTY AND I’M IN
- Miami Dolphins 2-0
Look I’m sorry. I just can’t get behind Miami yet. They beat a bad New England and then came back against Baltimore, but were in an awful place for most of the game. Just doesn’t inspire much confidence. And I guess I’m the only one who isn’t sold on Tua still. He is underthrowing Hill, it just doesn’t matter because he is so open all the time. This one makes me angry, let’s move on.
TIER 5- MIDDLING TEAMS THAT HAVE TO PROVE THEMSELVES
- Arizona Cardinals 1-1
- Pittsburgh Steelers 1-1
- Detroit Lions 1-1
- Las (OAKLAND) Vegas Raiders 0-2
- New England Patriots 1-1
- Dallas Cowboys 1-1
We’ll start up top where Kyler “Baby Yoda” Murray used his force to push the Cards above the Raiders, and what a win it was for Arizona who desperately needed one. (Because COD MW2 drops in October so they need to pile up some wins now.) No one in this tier is a Super Bowl threat but one or two could rip off a playoff win and I wouldn’t be massively surprised. Pittsburgh and Detroit are some of my favourite teams this year, Detroit especially I think have playoffs written all over them. Shoutout to Cooper “Carson Wentz” Rush for getting a big win for Dallas. If Dallas can get a few more out of him they will be in good shape for Dak’s comeback.
TIER 6- JIMMY G IS BACK SO THEY AVOID DEAD TIER
- San Francisco 49ers 1-1
Jimmy G simply gives the 49ers the best chances to win games. Is Lance the future? Maybe. (No.) But right now, San Francisco has life in the early season race for playoffs because they have Jimmy slinging it for them. Also how funny was it watching Lance get carted off to the closeup of Jimmy just slightly smiling because he realizes he just made millions of dollars? High comedy after not moving from the couch for four hours while you sit and watch football I’ll tell ya.
TIER 7- THEY’RE GONNA WIN THE AFC SOUTH SOMEHOW
- Jacksonville Jaguars 1-1
Trevor Lawrence has arrived and Jacksonville is going to win the division. Forget Matt Ryan and Ryan Tannehill. Old folks home. The future is here, and he’s got long golden locks and looks like a certain Ice Age character. Peak Jacksonville.
TIER 8- DEAD
- Denver Broncos 1-1
- Minnesota Vikings 1-1
- Cincinnati Bengals 0-2
- Tennessee Titans 0-2
- Indianapolis Colts 0-1-1
These five teams are done. Denver may be the most unintentionally hilarious team of all time with Russell Wilson pretending to be a human and Nathaniel Hackett coaching like he runs the worst team in my local U11 league. Have you ever seen worse clock management and decision-making in your life? Like if Mike McCarthy had a baby with Matt Patricia. Crazy. Minnesota has Kirk Cousin so there is that. Justin Jefferson is probably the most exciting player in football right now at least. The next three teams have overachieved either last year or the last couple of years and are finally coming back to earth. Did I mention how bad the AFC South is?
TIER 9- ONE QB AWAY
- Cleveland Browns 1-1
Uh yeah, let’s keep this going.
TIER 10- FUN BAD
- New York Jets 1-1
- Washington Commanders 1-1
- Atlanta Falcons 0-2
These teams are just a good time. Flaccogoat being Flaccogoat. Wentz being elite one minute then worse than Drew Lock the next. Atlanta playing in instant classic games? Sign me up.
TIER 11- JUST BAD
- Seattle Seahawks 1-1
- Chicago Bears 1-1
- Houston Texans 0-1-1
- Carolina Panthers 0-2
Have fun in the lottery fellas. Love you, Geno.
Tell me where I messed up and why Jalen Hurts is definitely winning a super bowl in the comments! Until next time.
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